Another Christmas has come and gone! There were choir concerts, and operas, and our first Nutcracker. We made cookies, and saw friends, and celebrated with family. There were tears, and jealousy, excitement, memories good and bad, and joy. My Ara is a lovely mix of childlike wonder and more mature questions and perspective. For her beauty and silliness she is equal parts challenging and moody. As her mind matures she is looking back at memories with a different perspective; “Mama, why did you do this when Daddy did that?”
I say all this, not to complain but to record a snapshot of life as it really is, because I’ve lived enough to know that all aspects of life are precious. Our good and bad create the beautifully rich colors that make our lives interesting and delicious! Delicious, because I recently had this very deep thought, while eating frozen yogurt and savoring the tartness mingled with the sweet; Such is life! Hahaha. I love a ridiculous metaphor, don’t you?
I haven’t blogged in a long time, and I won’t bother to try to catch up on what I’ve missed. At this very moment, I am nursing a cold in bed, Ara is with her Dad for a few more hours. I made chicken soup and spent yesterday running errands, then had dinner and sat by a fire at my Brother’s house. I’m considering some very big changes, trying to look my fear of change in the face and be bigger than it. Being the head of household comes with a weight to carry on my shoulders. I make the choices for us, without a partner to discuss and share the decision with. I love it. I have a budget and a plan, I have to weigh the risks and benefits. I can see into the future, and I like what I see. This might sound strange to someone who didn’t spend a large chunk of their life being told that the finances were none of their business. This is the rebound from having no control, to total control of my money, time and environment. It’s a late start, but I hope I can be a model for Ara. I want to plant in her the knowledge that she can depend on herself. I see in her such strength, intelligence, creativity and beauty, what I want is for her to see those things too. I want her to know her worth so that she will never lose sight of it, or give the key to that knowledge to someone else.
Christmas is such a beautiful time, I just love it. We decorate and put up lights and make the ordinary seem magical. Then we take it all down and the ordinary seems cleaner and refreshing. We watch the movie classics, then we pack them up and put them away until next year. We spend time thinking about others, what they like, what makes them happy. We give generously and receive joyously. And, although this may make some people uncomfortable, I’ve felt a closer connection to God and his plan for me than I ever have before. And next, comes the New Year and a new age for me. My birthday is January 1st, my standing point in time to access and refocus. In the past I’ve struggled with my birthday tradition of keeping a score of my success and failures. This year, I can see clearly that I am a work in progress, success is irrelevant as long as I never give up.